The biggest obstacle I have with blogging and more importantly actually sharing the blog is lack of confidence. I typically write something and send it out to those closest to me for a little reassurance (as if they would tell me differently), re-read it 78 times and then publish it on a web site that has about NONE traffic. Sometimes I will feel brave enough to share with our Pastor or post on FB but most of the time, my little tidbits never leave the privacy of my own laptop.
Little ole me.…..Who am I to believe my message is worth sharing? Who am I to suggest I know anything about Jesus Christ? Who am I to insinuate I am all goodie goodie with the Man Upstairs? I am a sinner after all. Sinner with a capital S. I have been through a divorce. I am an extreme introvert=I screen phone calls and I use emails instead of words and all kinds of other introverted things. I am addicted to Amazon Prime=I sigh with relief when the gargantuan box on my front porch is only a TRASH CAN (who can remember what they ordered two days ago?). My past is filled with all kinds of crazy, sad, happy, mad history (enough to fill a book) and I Sin with a capital S every.single.day. So who is this Sinner to be acting as if she has some special know-it-all relationship with JC or some greater understanding of the good book? Who is this Sinner to blast scripture all over the world wide web as if she has a clue?
‘But he knoweth the way that I take; When he hath tried me, I shall come forth as gold.’-Job 23:10
This Sinner is workin’ on the gold. I am not there yet but I am better today than I was yesterday and I am TRYING so very hard. Aren’t we all? Everyone of us, Sinners with capital S’s, constantly trying to be better, to grow, to transform, to open our hearts, to do good, to dive into scripture or quit an old habit, to love on a neighbor or forgive a transgression.?? The Sinner in all of us is what creates that gold, what shapes us, what purifies us, what reminds us, what causes us to dig deeper. Gold. Gold. Gold.
So Sinners go with me here. I am just like you. I am trying every day, just like you, to COME FORTH. To leave the sin behind and come forth as the person God wants me to be. I don’t know anything more, probably less in fact, about Jesus Christ than any of the rest of you but I do believe the trials and tribulations I have been through have shaped my core and their lessons speak through me when I write. Divorces, addictions, judgements, harsh words, anger, racism, biased, and so much more are the scars that remind us of being TRIED and of being healed. My prayer every single day is for God to use me as servant to further his kingdom. And I know in the depths of my heart, that means using these things I am ashamed of as a way to speak to other people who can relate. I know that at some point if I lay it all out there on the line I will have the capacity to reach someone and only if it is just one, it is enough. And YOU know that those dark and scary sins=knowledge=understanding=transformation. So I encourage you to take your Sin and EMERGE. Come forth with those things that have brought you down and use them to rise above, to shine a light, to forge a path. Touch someone with your story. Let someone in your life. ANSWER the dang phone.
An update on the little girl swimming for another town: in her last meet she won EVERY event she was in except for one and she placed second in it. Her goal is to qualify for D2 this year a feat we never thought possible honestly. In the fly, she is one second away from reaching that goal. One second. After her meet last week, she asked if she could add an evening swim at the YMCA to her daily morning practice to prepare for the meet this week. I cry as I type this. Every day of my life I ache for that girl having to be split between two families. Every single day I feel guilt and remorse and a twinge of sadness for her. And every single day she reminds me that God has a plan for her that is beyond my wildest dreams. That God already knows the amazing things in store for her. She is my gold.