TEN

Today as we walked to the park and B rode ahead, she took a spill on her bike. I walked faster towards her but she was already back up, assessing her scrapes, not a tear shed. She was waiting for us, tar kneed, at the park as if nothing had ever happened. I put my arm around her and we sat in silence, me crying inside. I wanted to take her home and swaddle her up in the softest blanket and hold her in my lap for the rest of the night. I wanted to rock her and sing to her and read her Llama Llama Red Pajama. But she will not fit in my lap any more and she reads mysteries to me now. Long legged and lanky. Tall and skinny. Brave and big. She doesn't really need her momma any more.....

Ten has strainght crept up and snatched my heart. As her tiny little self rode ahead of me today, I felt a little robbed. Where has it all gone? How is she ten? TEN years in a blink. And ya'll I mean a blink. The fastest longest decade of my life. This last breath of summer has been a gut punch for me. As her 10th birthday and 5th grade year approaches, she wants to spend countless hours with her friends and soaks in the sunshine while she rides as free as a bird on her bike. She doesn't really need her momma any more......

She cooks supper and brownies and makes her bed and showers without being asked. She braids her own hair and picks out her own clothes. She hasn't asked me to tuck her in at night in a long time. She is growing up and ten came too fast. I need a few more minutes with that little girl who needed her momma ALL the time. Ten is change. Ten is big. Ten is the beginning of new things.

When I was pregnant with HAP, before I knew he was HAP, I was certain I would never love any child like I love my first born.....and that is true. I love them both in completely different ways, equally, deeply, but differently. My girl is my girl. My first. She is funny and laid back and kind and an old soul and soft and sensitive and bubbly and different and loves Jesus. When she was born my heart changed forever and when she rode off on her bike today, unscathed, it changed again. Everything I know about being a momma has stemmed from her. I asssure you she has taught me equally along the way and I  have made 1,000 mistakes in this past decade but she is a testimony that doing your very best works sometimes. All that is good in my momma heart started with this little lady. And now she doesn't really need her momma any more....

In the exact same breath that my heart felt sad, I felt more gratitude than I have ever known. Grateful that she can ride a bike and dive off of a starting block and braid her own hair and bake brownies. Grateful that I have kept her alive for ten whole years. Grateful that I can blog about something as trivial as a bike wreck. We are truly sheltered in our little safe haven. I am so grateful for her health and her heart and her independence because I think that means we are doing something right when we haven't really a clue what to do at all. My heart sank and then almost burst out of my chest with so much thankfulness and pride that she doesn't really need her momma any more....

Happy Birthday to one I love the most. You are loved.

"I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Marvelous are Your works, And that my soul knows very well." Psalm 139:14